Locking Horns

“I’m not going to church!” That’ll show him. We had been battling the same “issue” for days. (It’s been a repeat offender in our marriage from the beginning.) Like two deer with antlers locked, there were big crashes, but we weren’t getting anywhere. You’ve seen the big deer on National Geographic that use their antlers to shove one another, usually getting tangled up, but not able to move forward. It always looks futile, like neither deer is winning. That was us, and so I said it…I’m not going! The stand off ensued, as if we became enemies battling to maintain control of our comfort zones.

The tragedy in all of this is that we have a real enemy, and it isn’t each other. Our enemy prowls around like a ravenous lion seeking to devour us, eating up our joy and peace. Our self-centered behavior is His prime rib.

At some point we decided it was time to call in reinforcements. Our counselor friend was called and he spoke to each of us, encouraging us to remember we are on the same team and to fight this battle together in prayer. We are smart people, but stubborn, and so we periodically require admonishment. Like the apostle Paul, we know what we should do, but we just don’t do it. Our biggest battle is often our own selfishness.

In the end, there was no “winner”. To be truthful, Randy laid down his preference for my comfort. It might have been done half-heartedly, but at least he gave half…my heart wouldn’t budge. His surrender, eased my discomfort, but didn’t make me feel much better. I was then forced to deal with my own fears and insecurity….which, when I was honest with myself, was behind the whole stand-off.

I’m thankful that my hubby surrendered. It enabled me to see my own shortcomings. His surrender was the beginning of a change in my heart and mind. It’s so much easier to fight external battles rather than the internal battles, that really help us grow. Locking horns with Randy had kept me from looking within. If we keep locking horns with others it will distract us from the real work of searching our own hearts and minds and allowing God to slay our emotional Goliath’s.

Are you locking horns with someone? What’s behind the stand-off? Pause and pray, or seek Godly wisdom from a trusted friend. Be willing to look at your internal, emotional Goliaths. God can help you slay them but only if you are honest with yourself. As you stop blaming others, you will find tremendous freedom in your life and you won’t feel the need to lock horns. Instead you will be able to stand together fighting the real enemy and taking on new territory together. Stop charging ahead. Look inward and upward so you can move forward. You can do all things through Him!

1Peter 5:8~Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Romans 7:15~I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
Ephesians 6:12~For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Seatbelt Distress

My disclaimer, it was late and I was sleep deprived. The three of us (Randy, our friend Chandra, and me) had just flown into St. Louis, hopped on the shuttle to pick up our rental car, and were just pulling up to our stop. As I gathered my belongings, I attempted to lift myself from my seat, but something was….wrong. My brain said ‘get up’ but my body couldn’t accomplish the orders given. A second attempt was made, followed by a third…I’m embarrassed to admit, it took Chandra saying, “I think you need to unbuckle your seatbelt first.” (Which was followed by eruptive, tear streaming, stomach-aching, irrepressible laughter😂😂😂). Did I mention it was late and I was tired?😜 What could have been one of my all time, most embarrassing moments actually became one of the most hilarious. (Laughter is good for the soul…my soul was healthy that night.)

Funny how God can use incidental moments and apply biblical truths to them. As I thought of my seatbelt distress and my lack of awareness, it occurred to me that sin works the same way in our lives…minus all the laughter. Sin holds us captive, yet deceives us into believing we are free. We might think we are moving ahead in life, while we continue to buckle into dependency on people, bad habits, addictions that numb pain, pride, or illusions of control and pursuit of the ever elusive quest for our own happiness…but we are really stuck.   What’s amazing is, it is ALWAYS a choice. We can unbuckle ourselves at any time from all strongholds and hand those seat belts over to Jesus. He longs to set us free from those pesky belts that deny us our full potential in Him.

It is impossible to move forward in God’s plans when we are buckled into sin. What’s holding you back? It’s good to ask ourselves, and God, this question on a regular basis. We have a tendency to buckle into stuff unintentionally. Often times, God will use people to point out what we can’t see, like Chandra did for me. They can help us identify what we are strapped into. There are no limits to what He can unbuckle in our lives and He won’t lash you with the seatbelt once removed. He just forgives and says, “Get going, I’ve got such great plans for you!” Pray and ask Him to help you unbuckle from sin and buckle into Him, our belt of Truth. You will feel freedom and discover your purpose like never before…and you’ll be able to get off the shuttle when it stops. 😉 We can do ALL things through Him!🙏💪

Eph.6:14~Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist…
John 8:11~“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
John 8:36~ If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Jer.29:11~For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The Call

Resist your fear; fear will never lead you to a positive end. Go for your faith and what you believe. – T.D. Jakes

Heart racing, throat tightening, palms sweating…I looked up to see if Randy was feeling it too, the internal call. God was calling us to plant our first church. But how, where, with what resources, who would come…the questions came quicker than the answers. As I sat in the worship service where Randy was leading worship that Sunday, I had a clear vision of what I was to tell my hubby after church….it was time to start. No more just thinking and praying, the time was now and he had my full support.

From our first date I knew his desire to start a church and I also knew my fear (my inadequacy), every time he spoke of it. Up until that moment, I had refused even the possibility. God got my attention in that church service and in an instant my heart changed. Fear didn’t disappear from my mind, but I CHOSE to think about what I believed, instead of what I didn’t know. What I knew, without a doubt, was Randy had been called by God to this role and I was called to be his help-mate in this new adventure. It was now OUR calling.

In the end, we would leave that job at Colton First Baptist (now Centerpoint Church), having the senior Pastor’s blessings, with about 20 people committed to helping us start, $6,000.00, and lots of prayer. (As well as the backing of our network, TM) It was a thrilling, frightening, faith building experience as we planned for the birth of this new church in Fontana, CA. We launched Jan. 20, 2002 with just over 200 people in attendance. Not only did we birth a church, we announced our pregnancy the week before the church launched. Miracles still happen!

What if I had kept focusing on the fears instead of faith? Focusing on fear would have kept us complacent and stunted our growth. We would have missed out on God’s greater plan for our lives…as well as all the people FOL reached in the almost 7 years we pastored there. Truth is, I wasn’t “capable” of the tasks that were ahead of us, but God was, and He supplied me with what I needed. In trusting Him, I chose faith instead of fear. Fearful thinking is the path of least resistance but faith-filled thinking makes you stronger. What is God calling you to? He may not be calling you to start a church, but He is always calling us to grow. Is He challenging you to break a bad habit, let go of bitterness that is clogging you up spiritually, read your bible, start serving at church, or maybe just start attending church regularly….(fill in your dots)? Be brave and answer the call. Don’t delay what God wants to begin in you today. What He calls you to, He will lead you through. We can do ALL things through Him! Choose faith!

Phil.1:6~Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Romans 8:30~And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
Hebrews13:21~Now may God….equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.

Grace Exchange

“But you just seem so perfect.” Had she actually just said that to me through her tears of inadequate feelings and conviction? If it wasn’t so serious, I would have laughed out loud! Me…perfect? The thought was ludicrous, an illusion that many have of Pastors and their wives. It couldn’t be further from the truth. The myth is that we “have it all together”, that we are immune to the pull of this world, the trials and strife. We. Are. Human. My heart felt broken in that office as I listened to the dark assumptions and gossip that had been lurking in quiet corners and living rooms. Apparently, in my presumed perfection, there was a need to find flaws, which turned out to be easy. (Jesus had the same experience with people, only He WAS perfect.) This person assumed that, and that person assumed this, and by the time I was alerted of rumors, it was a distorted mess. As I listened beyond the words, I heard something deeper, pain. Pain in my friends heart from her own past. In those moments I listened beyond my own wounded heart and heard her brokenness, and I offered comfort and understanding, grace. This grace was not of my own doing. The more I encounter God’s grace, the more I can give it…and in those moments while being accused, I did what I could not do on my own strength, I exchanged grace for accusation. Grace was followed with truth, since the Truth sets us free. She needed to be set free from the assumptions that had bound her.

To be honest, in the days and weeks that followed, I would wrestle with the seeming injustice of those moments. How could I be accused of such things? Who does she/they think I am? There was SO much I could have said! Why didn’t I say…..(Insert lots of inner dialogue). But, i refused to act upon my inner bear(pride). In those moments of wanting my “pound of flesh”, I turned to Jesus and found comfort, validation, and strength to carry on by His grace…because, He is for me, and if He is for me, who can be against me? It would be dishonest to say this process was easy. It seemed I cried an ocean of tears in the aftermath. This was one of the hardest experiences I’ve dealt with in my 23 years of ministry, but we can either get stronger through our struggles, or we can cave to our human urges, repeating patterns and getting no where. I can certainly bench press more now…well, at least spiritually speaking.😉

Are you feeling wounded and misunderstood by someone? We all go through it. Ask God to help you listen beyond your own feelings. Can you exchange grace for their accusations? Are you taking your hurt to Jesus or are you releasing the bear(pride)? Don’t be held captive by other people’s actions or words. Be set free as you set others free by God’s empowering grace. He will heal your broken heart and He will bring justice in His timing and in His way. We can do ALL things through Him. Are you listening?

John 8:36-If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Romans 8:31-What then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
James 1:19-My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…

More than Bean Brands

There will be no compromise when it comes to refried beans!😆 We still laugh about this argument we had shortly before getting married. We were going over questions for premarital counseling and were discussing budgeting. While I’m very frugal, I made it clear, while grocery shopping, I would have to buy Rosarita beans, not generic, because that’s just gross!😝 To which he replied, you might need to buy generic, to save money. He reminded me we were going to be on a ministry budget. (Yes this really happened). I got upset, he got frustrated, and neither of us heard the other. Of course there was way more going on here than fear over bean brands. Lol. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own perspectives, that we don’t listen well. Listeners are rare these days. Let’s be one! James 1:19~”Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger…”
In case you were wondering, we only buy Rosarita. 😉

Hope When Hopeless

His chest, the width of Randy’s fist, rose and fell with the machine. I sat, helpless, with my hand against the glass, being told I shouldn’t touch him “to much” for the stimulation isn’t good for preemies. The room was dark, with only the sounds of beeps and alarms when babies needed assistance. It was a long 5 weeks in the NICU. For 48 hours we didn’t know if Logan would live or die, due to the staff infection which raged in his body and his underdeveloped lungs. Such despair, such hopelessness, I couldn’t even pray. It seemed futile and irrelevant in those dark moments. But then, nurse Julie….she walked me to a hall, grabbed my hands, looked me in the eyes and said,”God wants me to tell you this is not your fault.” In that moment I broke. It felt like a cloud burst. I couldn’t control the tears, and I was so thankful. You see, that is the exact thing I needed to hear. God saw me. He knew my pain and He cared. Not only Him, but my sweet nurse Julie faithfully followed God’s promptings. I’m so thankful she was listening to Him! Are you in a seemingly hopeless place today? You have a God who cares. He will meet your needs, even if you don’t have strength to ask Him. Be encouraged, the trial won’t last forever, but His love for you will. If you’re in a place of peace right now, who is God asking you to reach out to with His love? Are you listening?

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Truth Sets Us Free

I was causing my own infertility. Ouch. He wasn’t nice about it and he didn’t mince words when he shared this insight. The doctor believed I was just to thin. BUT I knew other women that were thinner…BUT I wasn’t THAT thin….BUT other doctors told me that my weight was fine….BUT he was just a meanie…BUT…BUT…BUT….But, deep down inside I knew there was a nugget of truth, not that infertility was my fault, rather, that I WAS to thin. My weight, or lack of it, became a means of control for the things I couldn’t control in my life. Friends and family had tried to share their concerns gently, to no avail. Truthfully, I needed his words, though they were harsh. (Sometimes God will use tough love) It struck a chord in me and I began to seek out counseling and accountability for the chains that had begun to shackle me…without my awareness. I found freedom in the Truth, and I became grateful for that freedom over time, even when added pounds didn’t immediately result in my dreams of a baby. Still, I was free, and freedom weighs less than chains!  What truth is God speaking to you that you have been resisting? Sometimes He uses other people to expose our areas of blindness. Are you listening? Freedom can only be found in Truth.
John 8:32~Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.🙏🙌