If you do have a fault or a weakness or make a mistake and you do not own it, you still have it. You will repeat it. It will occur again.~ Henry Cloud
Please don’t label me with anorexia, just call it for what it is, sin. My counselor looked stunned at my statement. In her twenty-ish years of counseling no one had ever made that request. She chuckled at my reply and said she needed to have a diagnosis in order for insurance to kick in. Regardless, I insisted the diagnosis could be depression (or control freak, which seemed more fitting for me), but not anorexia.
Don’t get me wrong, I knew I had those tendencies, but I didn’t want to be labeled. A label felt like an excuse, as if I couldn’t control eating, or not eating. I was concerned that allowing myself to be labeled with a “disorder” would give me a mental license to feel as if I was a victim of my tendencies, like I didn’t have a choice in the matter. The reality was I had a sin problem….the root of it was control. Infertility, among other things, had left me feeling out of control, and controlling my food became my method of coping. In my fear and impatience, I took matters into my own hands and decided to control what I could…food.
Apart from God we can do nothing…..nothing good. And so I journeyed down the rabbit trail of control. I ate less and less, working out more and more. Everyday, I got a little closer to the “perfect” weight. (As if there is such a number). It’s an endless, hopeless, dark pursuit, which can ultimately lead to death. It took an infertility specialist to shine some light in the darkness of my thinking. Thank you Jesus for the truth, even when it hurts!
No, I wouldn’t make excuses, I would call it for what it was, sin. This didn’t feel condemning, it felt freeing. Taking responsibility helped me loosen the chains. I wasn’t resisting the chains, I was surrendering, and by God’s grace, they fell off. It didn’t happen in one single moment, it happened one victorious moment at a time, eating one “taboo” food at a time, all of it, not hiding any. There were times I thought I would never be completely free. But that’s a lie of the enemy, for if the son has set you free, you are free indeed! So, I kept seeking Jesus, finding Truth, and pursuing holiness as best I could, until one day I realized, the inward battle was gone. No more chains of distortion binding my heart and mind. Surrender is peaceful and freedom weighs less than chains. I would never go back.
The counselor never did diagnose me with anorexia though she could have. But it really wouldn’t matter because that label would no longer define or describe me. I am not defined by my worst mistakes, or even my best works, neither are you. I’m defined by WHOSE I am, not by what I’ve done….thank you Jesus!
Are you struggling to overcome something? There is nothing that you can’t overcome by God’s empowering grace. Remain in Him. Ask Him to help you and surround yourself with people that can help you achieve victory over your battle. Take it moment by victorious moment, and He will set you free! When you trip and fall, He will pick you up and send you on your way to victory. You can do ALL things!
(If you have a love/hate relationship with food, I’d love to pray for you. The battle of the mind is a powerful one. Send me a message and we will battle it together in prayer. Prayer is where the battles are won!)
John 15:5~I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
John 8:36~So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
Romans 12:2~And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.